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My wife makes me depressed
| Could you tell us why she makes it?
| Divorce
| Well that is depressing
| Whatever you do DO NOT listen to the little voice in your head that tells you that you are the problem!
It has to be someone else's fault!!!
| >>83173
Unfortunately I did that for the last year and a half...only now am I beginning to set boundaries and meditate on why things are the way they are.
| If anything you should start by telling us how the problem started
| >>83136
I've given her the life she's wanted. I've received nothing but sleepless (about 3 hrs) nights In response to her. If nothing goes her way, she's upset and angry.
Was it a good day today for everyone? Yes, but at the end of the day she'll be upset and angry.
Did I just work 72 hours straight and want to sleep? She'll get upset and angry for me going to sleep while she's still awake.
There's a lot more. To put it simply I always walk on eggshells around her.
| Divorce
| ^ this
| She posseses strong signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. If you take a minute to look it up, she shows all the signs.
You cannot tell someone with BPD to seek treatment. Their way of thinking is absurdly irrational but they think it's completely normal and that they are right.
If you bring that up to someone with BPD, they'll either 1.) turn the situation around and make you out to be the problem. 2.) Refuse treatment because it sounds Impossible they have such a condition.
| Or 3.) Accept treatment but waste time by playing mind games with professionals. <-- cases I've read of real BPDers
| Am I selfish for not wanting to live like this anymore, regardless of how much I've tried to help?
We have a 6 month old. She has a 3 year old (my step-daughter). I don't agree that my wife yelling and being angry every day, or every other day at best, is a healthy environment for them to grow up in.
I always think about how happy pur daughters would still be if we lived a life together away from negativity....
| I was in a similar relationship, though I can't say if my SO were someone with BPD. It was excruciatingly painful to keep up with the relationship; people complain that they can't please their partners, but my case were similar to yours: it was pretty much impossible to satisfy my SO. Everything *has* to go according to his plans and it burnt me to no ends.
It was sweet at first but it turned into a hell years later.
| It's a hard spot to be in, OP. I can't fully put my experience to be in your shoes; saying good luck can only do so much, as well.
But heck, because I can't do anything, "good luck" is the only thing I can say now.
| >>83242
I don't even know where to start. A part of me is still telling me that this isn't severe enough to divorce. Part of me makes me feel incredibly guilty and wrong for thinking that.
And the other part cannot stop thinking of how much happier I'd be alone..
| >>83257
I'm sorry you had to go through that.. though I'm glad you're out of that never ending loop and that you're better, yes?
I feel emotionally exhausted and mentally drained..
| >>83260
For better or worse, yes, I have broken myself out of the "relationship" — it was too much of a torture to keep it stable, and like you said, it felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.
Thank you for your concern; seeing that you are in the place I was in years ago, what do you think will you do in face of the problem?
I can't say running away is the best choice, but it was what I picked.
| >>83270
In my situation I have 2 little girls to think about. I know the best thing for them is to not be around this.
Today is Christmas. Only 3 hours after waking up today she's upset and yelling at me for "doing my own thing".
What I've done today is eat breakfast with everyone then take medication for chronic migraines and lie down for an hour. Then clean the house before I play with my step daughter.
And now the entire day is ruined and too late to fix "because of me."
| Life sucks
| I think its time to give her a serious talk. Just you and her. The truth should always be first in a relationship.
| That's where you got it all wrong. You should've never married a divorced woman (mainly if she have a kid). If she is divorced this means someone committed the same mistake you did. AND THE KID IS ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD! There is less than a fucking year that she divorced, you shouldn't ever have married her.
| No wait, my mistake, the kid is 3 years old, but still YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED A DIVORCED MOM!
| Fucking divorce already.
| Not enough being a woman, still has kids from another guy... You deserved better...
| Fuck off incel
| I think you should spend a day or two just for your wife OP.Try to have heart to heart talks and re-find why did you in love with her again.From the looks of it,I think she hates you because you keep working and never have time with her.
| >>85039
I'm out of the military now. My days are now 8 hours. Every hour outside of work, I spend with her and the kids. The past year and a half I gave up my hobbies and things I used to do to relieve stress in order to spend time with her. Not the smartest idea but i did that to lift her self-esteem and anxiety. To show her I do want to be with her.
| >>85039
Regardless, she expects me to spend every minute with her. If she finds I derive happiness from something else (reading, career progression) she gets upset and starts insane arguments.
The heart to heart talks don't exist with her. When we have them, she starts this infinite loop because her mind thinks her reality is the only right thing, and everything else around her is wrong.
| >>85039
By that I mean she can spawn an argument out of thin air simply because she doesn't understand the things I say. I found this out today because I decided to record our arguments to see where I went wrong. I couldn't find anything with the things I said. If anything I was caught by surprise at how calm I sound and remain during altercations.
She confuses herself by branching off to dozens of different topics, then blames me.
| >>85039
Since I was 14 I wanted to become a software developer. I taught myself code, joined the military for professional experience then during my transition I scored a 2 full interviews with Microsoft with 0 college background. Her response? A forced half-smile and ignoring me for hours.
Why? All she could think about was the thought of me working around women.
I wish I could work more because I truly lovey job. But I don't simply to avoid bad days with her.
|
| >>85090
She's a bitch no matter how I see it. She's completely egoist and egocentric. Does she even works? If not, she need find a work, so:
1) she'll occupy her mind with shits
2) if she does not change, you can divorce without thinking twice 'cause she gots a job!
| About the kids, you really should think about them (even if one of them is not yours) 'cause she's lunatic and have no capacity of raising kids. Try making her occupy her mind so she get stress it all out (did you understand that?) and so she can becomes a better person, even a little, thus you can maintain this marriage and give the children a good life(?).
| Give her work or hobbies, just try if; you can do at least this. IF NOTHING WORKS, QUIT THIS SHIT AND TAKE YOUR KID (YOUR STEP-DAUGHTER TOO IF YOU WANT) OUT OF HER SIDE!
| Well, this is a completely toxic relationship, but give it a try anyway, because you started it and you made the vows.
Good luck.
| Finding her hobbies and things to do is a good idea actually, at least she will have less time arguing with you. But I would recommend divorce as the last option.
| >>85294
No she doesn't work. She has hobbies and things she likes to do but never does them. If we have a "chill" day where we do our own thing, it doesn't last. I try to enjoy myself programming or something else but I find her on her phone, in bed sulking saying she's "bored". That's pretty much code for "if I'm not with her she'll be bored"
| >>85299 >>85313
I recently bought her a camera so she can take up photography. It's something she seems she really wants to do. Shes finished her first module on the online course but hasn't touched it since, or any of her other books on it for that matter.
Anytime I bring up a hobby or doing something so she won't be "bored" she decides against it. It's out of the question.
| >>85303
It's 50/50. We both started it. Yes, I decided to marry her. I expect some arguments and road bumps, not flat out abuse.
| Like I said, you can at least do this. Don't just give up already.
| >>85389
Look, mate, if you've already admitted to yourself she's abusive then what else is there? You need to get the hell out. Try and get the kids, but even if you don't, still gtfo. What if you snap one day and hurt her?
| >>86702 Maybe it's about his children too. If you are divorced, you are not surely going to get your kid. Especially if you are the husband (and especially if one of them is not your kid)
| >>86706
That's what I don't understand. How could I not get the kids? Im not sure how that works. I'm 22 providing for a family of four in a 3 story house, clean record, and enough background to show that I'm responsible with careers, finance, etc. Is it because I'm male that I have a low chance to win my children?
| This is a sad situation to be in.
| >>87200 Yes, the court usually rule in favor of wife rather than husband, especialy if the kid is less than a year. Unless you can prove that your partner is incapable.
I would not recommend divorce right now. She might feel betrayed and try to destroy your reputation and career if she knows you are trying to divorced and take the kids away. She might even try to take the property too if you both bought it durring the marriage.
| >>87291 But I don't live in the US and don't know what country and states you are in, but I guess marriage law work mostly the same. I suggest you should try to take your own time, get your hobbies back and proceed your career like you would like too, wether you are planning for a divorce or not. At least you will be much happier.
| I agree with >>87291. Right now isn't a good time to divorce, if you want the kids. Wait 'til they are on primary school, in this period you may try to make things works, if she stays the same or worse, even with you trying and talking with her, then you may divorce. In this way you'll have a high probability of taking the kids with you.
| I really would like you to have the kids, even if one is not yours, 'cause I really would feel sorry for both of them if they have to deal with a crazy woman on their whole lives.
| btw you married with 22 years? You are doing everything wrong, do you know this?
| Maybe going to some kind of family pshycologist/therapist? I don't know how you can get her there, but even if she plays mind games, the kids will show signs of living with an abusive person? Or can you aproach somebody just to ask for help or advise? (Sorry for my english).
Good luck op.
| >>87405
Yes and it's a shame I'm only realizing this now. To be frank, i wouldn't have any issue with my life at all if it weren't for her behavior.
>>87455
Thank you. I can try again but she's resisted it before maybe 5-6 times...
| Start documenting every abusive thing she does and build a record. Make sure you bond with your children. Put up with less and less of her bullshit. You can't do it right, so it doesn't matter if you do it right or wrong.
Worst case: she divorces you, which is what you want. Make sure you have your ducks in a row before that, perhaps consult with a custody attorney, so you have an exit strategy for you and your children.
Best of luck!
| Should really read up on marriage and divorce law for your state or country. Though keep it a secret though. Maybe read up on it whilst your at work? You want to have an advantage in case you ever decide to divorce. Also recording her behavior especially if she is abusive towards the children is a must.
| You deserve to be happy, listened to, and for God's sake a fucking nap after a 72 hour day.
| Good luck OP
| >>88022
Thank you I really appreciate this.
>>90191
That is a good idea and I have been trying to. It's even difficult to do that at work because of a government setting. I try to do what I can on my phone..
>>90408
Thank you
| Well, MY LIFE makes ME depressed. So yeah. Shit sucks.
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| She won't change. What should I do