This thread is permanently archived
I'm feeling suicidal
| To give a bit of background, I came from Cambodia. I lived my life with a highly ambitious mother, and being that I'm an only son, and that she used to have another who died before I was born, she's also very controlling.
Throughout my life I've almost never been separated from her, and any attempt to break myself off doesn't succeed, being that I rely on her so much I don't even know what to do with myself.
| The reason for this is because Cambodia is a place where opportunities for independence is scarce. The government doesn't support it's citizens like developed countries, and it's people tend to keep to themselves and their blood related families, not really giving a hand to others.
| The fact that I am and look half-white doesn't help. This is not because of xenophobic hatred, rather it's the opposite. Whites are looked at as being superior and richer, so they tend to be targeted for scams, exploitation, or straight up just commit crimes on them to steal their possessions.
| My mother is a cause too, because while I believe this to be truly the case, I do not know what is being exaggerated by my mother in order to keep me close. She also has attempted to control every facet of my existence to keep me in line, from friends, career, lifestyle, etc.
| And when I begin to express my own thoughts, she would begin to put them down in an attempt to make me doubt myself and believe her. She's not one to accept the opinions of others unless they line up with hers. Because of this, I tend to feel incredibly inferior and become naturally submissive and passive to most things in life.
| My mother's eagerness to make a name for herself by styling herself as a strong woman and attempting to do whatever she finds will bring her profit also affects me, because despite her confidence she is not good at business, but is unwilling to give up, dragging me along with her everywhere.
| Even in my early years of elementary she would already begin hammering the idea of me needing to be a superior person to others to make her proud, either pushing me into positions of responsibility well beyond my years or pulling me along with her to whatever business meetings she had at the time, sometimes attempting to get me to get early experience by pairing me up with 40 year old men and ladies and be 'friends' with them and maybe be an intern to learn from them.
| That was all during elementary. And no, she was no prostituting me if my wording sounded like that, but I've had my own child sexual experiences which she has no relation to, no knowledge of, and is a different traumatic experience entirely which does contribute to my current suicidal tendency, but may work itself out once I get myself together.
| Anyways, as I've said, she likes being an entrepreneur of sorts, but isn't good at it. Or rather, she's too greedy. Currently my mother is 65 years old and has racked up half a million USD in debt, and maybe others she hasn't told me about, of which she could have easily cleared if she knew to let go of some of her properties, some of which can be sold for 2 million, at least before Covid.
| She also loves making enemies, as per her character trait of being self-important. As such, she's been taken to court and nearly got arrested after messing with wrong people, got our power cut off for two years, and I had to miss about four years of school non-consecutively because either we didn't have enough to send me to school or because of fears I would get kidnapped and used as a hostage. I don't know how I graduated high school.
| During those times where I was to be kidnapped, my mother hid me with my aunt's family. I wasn't well taken care of, as she neglected me when I was sick and just left me to my own devices most of the times. The loneliness and desperation of having someone care for me were so much that I begged to be returned to my mother.
| All of that only strenghtened my beliefs that were injected to me earlier, that people only care for themselves unless if it's for their direct blood relations, for my mother also made enemies with all of her siblings.
| So because of all of that and my continuous failed attempts at trying to make something of myself, I decided to just give everything up and go with whatever my mother want of me, which as time goes by becomes increasingly contradictory because she's still trying to control me not being independant, not knowing I already chose not to be.
| This is ironic, because she does all of this not just to become like her, which is what she really wants deep down, but because she thinks that she wants me to be independant too, because that's how she rationalizes her extreme maternal instinct. She knows she's getting old, but is unwilling to let go.
| Yet because I've willed myself to stop thinking about my future, to push away every possible relationship, and to follow my mother's words to the letter no matter how contradictory they may be, I've become a shell of a human being.
| But I still dream of being my own person, so I've always been advising my mother to settle down so I can free up my time to do the things I want, even though I know it will never happen.
Which is why when news of Cambodia possibly implementing mandatory conscription came out, my mother panicked and set to work trying to get me to Canada.
| Obviously, I'm elated. Finally I'm somewhere far away where she can't directly manipulate me. I would have taken this chance to become no longer be a puppet.
All was well in the earlier months, but my mother was still setting down plans and expected me to go down her set path. I had no problem doing so, since I'm used to it. I made friends along the way, a few I felt I could confide in.
| And then Covid came. And I'm stuck in my own room. I holed myself up, thinking I just want some alone time. It's been three months now and I've almost cut off all contact with the people I made connections with besides my landlady.
| Because I'm so passive, I didn't take any initiative to go and do what I need to do. Because I abhor stress so much, I've shut myself down and refused to look at my emails or reply to people. Because I didn't want to have people be bothered, I've become a recluse and refused to acknowledge my predicament and ask for help.
| My social welfare agent called me and I ignored him. My bank called me and I ignored them. My bank account is locked. I didn't pay my taxes yet. I don't even know how to pay taxes. And I'm still shutting myself in.
I know should just ask for help, yet as each day passes, more problems come to me, stresses me out more, and I fall into this eternal spiral of lethargy and inaction.
| The one person whom I've emotionally attached myself to can't offer me the support I need, when mere questions as 'how do I get a job' is met with disdain and scorn, putting me down and mocking, asking me back whether I haven't learned anything about life despite what they've done for me.
| I don't know what to expect from posting this. I used to read to posts like this and pretend I'm a functional human being by giving support to those asking for it, but then drop halfway through because I don't feel I can take being too emotionally invested into something other than my mother. I'm sorry for bothering you guys too, so you can just think of this as a journal entry if you will.
| okay.
| gurl... suicide is a 1 time thing in a life. you must be sure to be devoid of influencing emotions when you contemplate it. it's something in which you must use clarity and weigh the pros and the cons.
you must absolutely give it a lot of thought, and even when you think you've reached a decision, you must give it at least 3 days before going through with it.
| hope you understand what i'm trying to say... leave emotions out of it when reflecting on such profound and serious issues.
but in the end you own your existence, and you have the right to die.
it'd just be kinda wasteful.
that being said, if you don't want your life, what about giving it to someone else?
i'm sure someone out there would want to own a slave. and you're already used to having someone boss you around, soo... an idea?
| I don't know how much of help people can be here to you, especially me, but I'll say this:
I've had experienced what you've described: various issues piling up and you not doing anything about it, being in a paralyzed state, wishing to end it all just to get all the responsibilities off your shoulders. I've been there, I know just how fucking awful it feels. I've had a rope around my neck because of it for crying out loud.
|
Yet, I'm still here. People I know or have known at the time, even if only online, were of great help with all the emotional support they've shown. I didn't feel it at the time as I was honestly unable to feel anything at the time, but it still subconsciously moved me in a more right direction.
| I'm not saying that I'm no longer depressed, there might come a time when I snap and do *the thing* for real, but as it stands today - emotional support from the people you know, even if only online, might help you more than you'd expect.
| Well thats cool
| >>666880
This though, for real. I was finally pulled out of a very long period of hard depression by a very close online friend of mine. She has also helped me mentally more times than I can count. Online friends really isn't a bad thing, and it's a lot easier to find people you vibe with through the internet than it is irl.
| >>666804 No joke op check this sub out on reddit for some great advice from people who have had or are having similar experiences https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I think it will also be a place for you to express yourself more and feel way better than you can here while meeting some really caring people.
| >>667478 My parents aren't narcissistic though. They just didn't bother with me a lot, leaving me with maybe a bit too much freedom and forging my personality to be that of a lazy, depressed cunt. And when I complained about my depression, I got "it's just your age, you'll get over it" or "it's just in your head, depression doesn't exist, stop faking it". I'm past my teenhood and still ain't over it. But whatever.
| Ok retard
| >>48548b If asking for help was so easy, I wouldn't be in this predicament. I end up pushing myself away, afraid they'd see me being weak. If this were Discord and not Dangeru, I would've uninstalled the app and left for good, which I already have. I've tried to open myself up, but it doesn't work as well as I would've liked. Either way, I'm still trying to get into contact with people. I would still spend an entire day hyping myself up just to talk to a single person though.
| >>17168e I'll try my hand there. It seems there's a lot of people who are in similar situations to me there.
| >>667994 You'd be surprised, but there are actually people who are ready to emotionally support you. Feeling depressed or suicidal isn't a reason to think that people would laugh at you. I've been hiding all my worries and problems from others for quite a while, and I still tend to. But opening up to others honestly makes you understand that there are people who care and want you to overcome your problems, even if it might not feel like it.
| >>668073
Genuinely. Some of my best friends I got because I opened up to strangers about my mental illness and personal struggles, and there have been multiple times where people have opened up to me almost directly after we start talking, and I don't mind at all. Helping others is very important, and most people are very open to doing so. I have friends I never talk about personal stuff with, but the few times a have, they've been really supportive and helped me through it.
| Btw, if you feel like you need someone to talk to, you can add me on a platform of your choice and I'll do my best.
This thread is permanently archived
| It's been a while since the last time I've stopped by here, and I'm sorry that I'm coming here only to give unnecessary troubles to you, but I'm nearing my breaking point and want to at least let my frustration out in words, maybe at least make a sort of last letter kind of thing, even if it's on an anonymous textboard.