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I think I've come to the realization that I have no close friends.
| Does it bother me? Not really.
| Then why did I write this? No idea.
| Am I full of regret? Not really.
| Sometimes I don't really express emotion, sometimes I do, sometimes I'm intentionally vague about myself because I don't like people getting involved in my private life.
| Are you sure you're ok, g/u/rl? It's ok to let things out.
| I'm fine, I'm fine, I just feel.. dissociative, I guess.
Travelling here and there and now the coronavirus kinda just made things worse I guess but I don't wanna ask them that.
| I'm just laying in bed staring out of the window, sort of just thinking about beyond or something, idk.
| I don't have thoughts of death, or self harm, just calm in my mind, and embracing it, or whatever.
| It happens often at nights like these, I'm usually awake until 2-3AM and wake up at 10-11AM.
| I don't have close friend either. The closest friend I ever got (who isn't family) lives overseas now and we never talk online, so there's that.
It doesn't bother me much either, but sometimes I hear people talk about their cool friendship or whatever and I feel just a biiiiit jealous.
| Me too. I have friends but not actual friends. I feel like i'm distant to everyone and that i'll never be able to have genuine connections because i'm so distant. Weird feeling like you're living life in third person. I don't want to bother the people closest to me but i doubt that they care either. What a world. What a weird kind of life to just exist.
| Me too. I've had real friends in the past but we don't see each other anymore. I never get over them and think about them almost every day.
The two sweetest ones committed suicide. One friend started borrowing money she had no intention of returning from all her friends and acted surprised when people told her to fuck off or got the police involved. The last time I saw her was in court. The last friend I had to leave because I never stopped crushing on her and it made me depressed
| >>654775 damn, that's pretty rough, I don't know really what to say. But perhaps nothing is probably better.
| It's so hard to get close to me.
I give people my trust with the benefit of the doubt. When it's reasonable.
I help them when I can. Sometimes I even go out of my way to do so. Sometimes I even hear thanks.
But if that trust I give served against me. I'll never trust you again. No hard feelings.
People tend to think I'm naive and childish. I don't wonder why.
But that works. I'd even say I'm childlike, and not childish.
My few friends are all polar opposites. Shockingly enough.
| And I don't believe there's something on the planet that can make it so that we never separate.
So I just enjoy their presence while I can. And tell them I miss them when I do.
How close they are now is irrelevant because I hold them in my mind.
They're only as close as they let me be. And that's how it should be.
It's not important to not have anyone close during an instant.
What counts is my ability to let the ones who love me get close.
The rest can stay away if they want.
| I've got good friends now, but I've lost contact with all the friends who were close. A while ago, I was talking about "if you had to survive a zombie apocalypse, who would you bring?" and I realized I have friends I like seeing but not friends I'd like to do anything important with. The people I used to know, they'd be easier to choose for something like that.
| >>655010 that's probably been the same for me at this point, I don't do anything on the internet but share stupid shit on facebook and don't do anything particularly constructive.
Maybe it's easier to have likeminded "friends" than actual ones. To fabricate a lie and put enough belief into it that it becomes a reality.
I've long weighted the idea of just deleting the account, to just disappear from everyone else online, back to simpler times, I guess.
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| Only people I interact with are relatives and random people I don't even know on Discord.