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I'm in that state of... something I can't describe.
| I've not been open to conforming to others in the past, there was very little between me and past classmates, and to this day, that number still goes down.
Why am I such an awkward mess sometimes?
| you think you're an awkward mess? really?
| Could you try to explain a bit about the feelings this gives you and why you think you're awkward?
| >>610231 for starters, I think a lot, I speak my mind, which something makes me seem insensitive.
Sometimes I get embarrassed by my own thoughts, or when I get pulled into the centre, seeing as I usually prefer being outside the spotlight.
Sometimes it may seem trivial, but I don't really have a finger on the pulse of everything and usually only interact with close friends, cousins and family.
| I mean, it just seems fucking stupid when I think about it.
| As mentioned before, I just don't connect or change so other people.
I'm usually an outsider" who prefers solitude over socializing.
Like, I don't talk much, but if it goes long enough the ball does get rolling.
But then I'll regress to before where I usually procrastinate, sometimes achieve something but then that'll be that.
My mind's also all over the place, it never really shuts down unless I get physically tired, which could sometimes until 4am
| OP, honestly, you sound completely normal. Lots of people are like that. I used to be like that. Forcing yourself to be social is really the only way to get anywhere with it. Also, speaking your mind is something you should be careful about. I do it a lot and it's fine but some people are very sensitive. Speaking your mind like that might make you seem insensitive, yes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some people actually really like that.
| Being embarrassed by your own thoughts is something you have to learn to get over. I'm still not completely over it even though I've worked on it.
Being pulled into the spotlight can be stressful for a lot of people, it's understandable.
Only interacting with the people you care about is also normal. Being able to talk to strangers easily is good, but it's not normal to just go around hitting up conversations with people you don't know.
| But, OP, you enjoy being with the people you care about right? Friends and family? Do you don't want any sort of social interaction at all or is it just with strangers you get uncomfortable?
| >>610263 not to contradict you, I agree with what you're saying, but "normal" is ok for some people, and debilitating for others. It's important how these things impact OP's life. If it bothers you enough OP, get into therapy and work on it. A lot of this can be practiced and improved with effort. If you are just worried about it, maybe it is normal, but if you are really distressed about how things are, then there are things you can do... Good Luck :)
| shit, why do you sound like me
| >>610276
Oh, I 100% agree. Saying "normal" was not to write off these feelings as unimportant or something like that, they can fuck you up hard, I've experienced it first hand. I just wanted OP to know they're not alone in this. Personally I find that comforting to know.
| >>610265 I feel like I care about others than I do about myself. Sometimes it feels like too much.
My mind is all over the place, when one day may be ok, the next day could be absolute shite.
Honestly this volatility has been a thorn in my side for some time.
Sometimes I fail to understand people, I'm pretty sharp, but there is a little bit of fine tuning to be done.
Again, me just sort of feeling like I'm in a grey area is such a regular occurrence.
| oh yeah, some of my interests may be stronger than others, like music, movies and games.
| >>610289
This hits way too close to home dude. Honestly, go to a therapist. That's what I'm doing, and it genuinely helps. This type of shit is really dangerous and hurts so fucking much.
| >>610302 that's what I've been doing for a few months now, but it feels like peer pressure from my family to pile on activities like archery and a bunch of other shit on top of everything.
| "Oh, work your fucking ass off for a plastic card that says you can drive"
"Go do some archery."
"Do this that and the other because I want you to be this that and the other."
You know what, I'm just gonna say what I've thought from the start.
She doesn't want me to be indoors, except when I live in a small town where the things to do can quickly run out, I don't even fucking know what they expect.
| I honestly at some point will just flat out refuse to be in the system, this isn't for some environmental bullshit, I genuinely feel like I'm in a totalitarian country.
The problem is Sweden insists on being in a system, with social security numbers etc, which I fucking hate, makes me feel like I'm being watched all the time.
Doesn't fucking help that Swedes are increasingly more comfortable with technology like RFID tags in your hand instead of key cards for work.
| >>610344 well, totalitarian is putting it in a dramatic manner, but with all this reliance on technology for the average Swede, I'm certain most things that are government organisations or things like electronic ID are just ways for them to keep an eye on you at all times.
| >>610343
That fucking sucks. I feel you. My parents have tried to get me to do activities and stuff I'm not interested in just to keep me busy, but I've told them off because it does the opposite of distract, it just makes things worse.
I don't see what that has to do with therapy though.
>>610344
I'm pretty sure every 1st world country has social security numbers. I don't really see why that's bad. I've heard about the RFID shit going on over there though. Shit's scary.
| Idk, after seeing some unfavourable content, something just clicked, as it always does.
It went around that Sweden's tax agency was described as the "good" Big Brother, which even took care of errands related to our birth, all the way to our death and things inbetween.
Doesn't fucking matter to me if it's a good "big brother", government surveillance is the fucking worst.
| I'm just fucking sick of listening to other people sometimes.
Honestly archery just isn't my thing, but my mum, being the typical whinging Asian she is, will just rant on about I have to do something that isn't staying at home after school.
My patience grows incredibly thin when I have to deal with these kinds of people.
Maybe I am being fucking hypocritical because sometimes I can be an absolute obnoxious cuntwaffle with an absolute fixation on one thing that just got to me.
| >>610367
She's right about you needing to get out of your house more and get a hobby. You're already in the first stages of isolation and depression and continuing down the same path obviously never helps.
If you don't like any of the hobbies presented for you it's up to you yourself to find one that fits you. Staying home and getting more and more angry is just weak-minded.
| >>610390
I very strongly disagree with this. While finding hobies you enjoy is very healthy and helps a lot, doing homies you don't enjoy or going out simply to go out just makes you feel miserable and want to do it less and less until you just can't stand leaving anymore.
Is just staying inside and isolated good? No. But it's better than forcing yourself to feel even more miserable, and that does nothing but motivate you even more to stay inside.
| >>610399 I agree, acceptance is the first step to recovery... where am I now, really? How are things, do I really want to do this or that, or do I want to stay in and stare at the wall? It's bad to pretend to be happy. There are some things that help, like going to the gym and socializing, but they help when you want them to help, when you are in recovery. Forcing them to try and cover up how you really feel will just delay getting better (and in the meantime getting worse)
| >>610367 OP, you're only 20 years old, you live in a country that has a lot to offer, and the world can wait for a while. That is the good thing, you have support, you have security, and you have time. Take it easy, listen to yourself. Talk to your mom, tell her how you feel. She thinks she is helping, but she can't fix you, only you can do that. It takes a lot (a LOT) of time. Don't expect results tomorrow, and don't hurt yourself. Just relax and focus. Soon you will see a change.
| >>610404 >>610408
Solid advice, and I want to put a little emphasis on not hurting yourself. That one is really important. Hurting oneself does not solve anything. It may be tempting, but slef harm, drugs and other things like that will not solve your problems, just create more for you to deal with in the future.
| >>610344 >>610345 you sound like you'd fit in to the open source movement, you're not good at logic and competent at math by any chance are you?
| >>610476 I'm alright at math and stuff, my brain can sort of "freeze" at random moments when I think about things because of Aspergers.
| >>610481 maybe give learning a programming language like python a shot, one of the things I learned it for was to write a twitch chat bot, Also automate simple but repetitive tasks
Doesn't get you out of the house but it's a hobby and programmers get paid pretty well, maybe it'll help get the folks off your back a little if nothing else
| >>610521 oh yeah, python, I remember doing that back in 2013-16 haha.
I mean, mum will find another elaborate excuse to try to get me outside, she views any activity on the PC the same.
| >>610525 buy a laptop and sit outside to be technically outside, worst case just walk to a Starbucks or something :p
| >>610530
Ah. Starbucks, laptop and Python. The definition of a hipster. That honestly sounds pretty chill.
| Also I haven't read this hole thread but I'll say sunlight did help my mood surprisingly, don't need to be outside but not being in a dark room 24/7 helped, not sure how applicable it is to you but take it as you will
| >>610532 honestly I'm scared of how hipster I've accidently become while disliking hipsters, someone bought me a flannel hoodie that's thin so I can throw it over short sleeve shirts, I wear raybands a leather coat and one of those infinity scarves, if I start drinking Starbucks or microbrew someone shoot me
| >>610534
I mean, the hipster style seems kinda comfy though. As long as you don't have a stereotypical hipster attitude then it's all good. I wish I could spend my days programming and sipping Starbucks.
| >>610530 theres no Starbucks in my town, only an espresso house which is like 4x as expensive as the previous cafe they took over
| Don't really consider myself to even be hipster ehe~
| why did i even say it like that..
| Oh wow op, I feel you. I would recommend you maintaining focus when doing stuff, it's pretty goddamn easy to loose the ability to concentrate. Also, all of those advices are really good, at least to try.
Idk, I just thought it would be nice to know that you are not alone with all that mess
| >>610646 I mean, it's the thought that always counts, even if we do not know each other.
Losing concentration can always happen on a whim tbh, thanks to aspergers.
| >>610646 >>610652
Yeah, concentration is really fucking hard to maintain, even without Asperger's. With it it's hell.
| >>610611 I have a rather basic understanding of python, it's just I cannot find practical applications for this, so the knowledge just.. disappears.
| >>610681 ehh part of it is finding a problem to make a solution but I can't lie and say I don't have the same issue, but I one of the projects I made is currently being used by someone else so I was sort of tricked into supporting it
Something I've wanted to do but haven't had time is a _ebooks (Markov chain) bot for my Twitter account, maybe that could be fun for Twitter/discord/irc
| ok so I came home from college, I'm just really tired and a bit frustrated.
I did have a bit of a vent which was pretty fucking volatile.
Honestly I had to get it out of my system, a part of me feels like shit afterwards now.
| >>610681
I feel ya. I've been doing coding exercises from various books for the last year just to keep the knowledge from slipping away.
The only other thing I'm doing is writing custom network packages which is very fun and rewarding.
| yay. another argument with mum and another headache.
kill me
| i mean, why even bother trying to make a point when she's gonna bitch, whinge and fucking spew shit out her mouth all the time
why can't she just fuck off
| >>611037
Gotta learn how to efficiently deal with those people.
There will always be people that you won't get along with
Sometimes you won't be able to avoid those people, so learning how to deal with them is important
| Grow up. I hate people who doesn't appreciate their parents.
| >>611174 Stockholm Syndrome :P
>>611037 here's the deal g/u/rl... who cares what she says. You know it's not true and she's full of shit. When you are depressed, you take things in from outside and twist them into your depression. If my mom started shit like that with me, I'd be really confused, then just not talk to her ever again. Fuck her. If she wants, she can apologize and maybe you can forgive her, if you want to. She does not control you or your emotions.
| >>611209 hmm, you learn something new every day.
I mean, I've had the eventual thought that I'd just move place without a trace.
I've been able to keep a lid on my emotions for some time, maybe far too long.
I've not got much to say, I'm tryna chill, but you could probably reach me on discord if you don't mind.
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| Sometimes it feels like I want to meet new people, just friends.
But then I had a dream about me being in a relationship, something I've been unable to maintain because how reclusive I can be.
It feels like I want to change, yet at the same time, I don't.
I'll be 20 next month, that's also something that's been on my mind.
My outlook on life has also been different, if not unconventional.