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Real Depression Hours
| Maybe through your shared sense of comradery you can find happiness.
| >>276745 however fleeting it may be, that's my hope. Misery loves company, after all. Maybe some of us can make something out of ours.
| Tell me your stories anons. When did you really start becoming depressed? Did you ever see a therapist or psychiatrist and get diagnosed, or are you more self-diagnosed, but only because you're fully aware of what it is already? How have you been coping with it?
| >>276755
we're all anonymous silly, that's all I mean. "Anons" requires less characters than "g/u/rls" as well :p
| I suppose it would only be fitting to start with my own story. Right now I'm 22, but ever since I was 15 I'd felt empty, hollow, and overall disconnected from my peers. I felt like I was just along for the ride, like an observer. I plodded through, trying to ignore the empty pangs, having an uneventful, lonely time. When I started college was when I really began a rapid downward spiral. (Continued)
| (Continuing)
It started small, with my already introverted disposition, I was anxious about the strangers on campus around me. Even when I was just in class, and no one was remotely paying me any mind, I grew clammy and shaky. These sensations only got worse, so I stopped going to classes all together only 3 months in. From there, I would drive every morning to Uni, talking down to myself, telling myself I was lower than scum, a shit heel, absolutely worthless, etc.
(Cont...)
| This of course only served to worsen my already present social anxiety and the depression. It finally got to the point where just walking around campus had me nearly in tears; just being out in public. I'd go up on the second floor of the university lounge and hide in the bathroom stall for an hour or more just to try to get a hold of myself, while still talking down to myself more and more. This became my near-daily routine.
| Finally, once the school year was over, I didn't reapply. I stayed holed up in my room at home, living with my parents, only continuing my self-depreciating and wallowing. I began to wish for death, because I could never kill myself. The ONLY thing that kept me tethered was that my family relied on me for all manner of things. This went on for another year or so, while I was NEET. No motivation, drowning my pain the best I could in anime and games, which never worked.
| Those empty pangs of loneliness never went away, they only ever got worse. My social anxiety had gotten so bad I couldn't go to the grocery store even, or get gas. I finally landed a job, thinking maybe it'd help. It did help, to some extent, with my social anxiety, but the depression never goes away. I've got a new job now, and I'm still socially anxious, but I can engage in small talk with coworkers now. That empty, painful, hollow pang in my chest never leaves though.
| I still beat myself up, I still can't enjoy most things that aren't videogames, and most days I still don't feel like getting up is worth it, that I'm not worth it. My job is really the only thing that gives me a purpose, that makes me feel useful. I'm terrified that if I lost my job or something happened and I was out of work, that I would spiral like before.
| That's really all for me anons. Come! Let me hear your side and your experiences and how you've coped.
| Well, I can pretty much relate to what you just wrote above (except getting a work part and it being helpful) buy I came to a term with my depression and most of my issues. They are part of me and what I have been through made what I am today. So I decided to use my experience in those dark matters/fields and help some people around me. Not many like one or two at a time cause I really can't handle many relation at the same time. I'm some kind of parasitic life form.
| I need my peers to have a purpose and feel less empty. Fixing others being's shitty experience. Generally I disappear not long after. But for example, I see my family like two or three times a year. Barely speak to them. Like currently I'm with then for a week, last time they heard from me was like 8months ago. And it's pretty much the same with any one. I'll get into their life pretty easily, become a bigger and bigger part in their lifes, fix their issue and disappear right after
| >>276817 I feel you. The whole "getting a job and it helping" is a fairly recent development, only really making a noticeable change in myself in the last 4 or 5 months, and that's been strictly on the side of my social anxiety.
That's good of you, helping people in a similar situation as yourself to the best of your ability.
I see, you disconnect or fall away from those you love & care about. If I had the means to be independent, I'd probably be doing the same thing.
| It's all too easy to just fall away from relationships like that. "What's even the point? They won't miss me. It doesn't matter. I'm just a nuisance." I've done it quite a bit myself, mostly when I was NEET and in the darkest parts of my depression. I had begun wishing the few friends I had would just move on and not bother with me, and they all did. I made a point to quit using Facebook for similar reasons. It felt like hanging on to a rope that had already frayed and snapped.
| >>6b9c44 well I'm not that much independent. I have some sort of revenue for sure but in the end, I'm always leaning on someone else. But it's more like I can get really well with anyone.
Like I will become bff with any (most) strangers within a week. I have some corrupted mind and I can't stop myself from playing/manipulating/deceiving. After hating myself and beating myself for it I decided to stop being a social cunt and limit myself with just one or two relation at a time.
| And to use those tricks and shit for a good purpose instead in exchange for me being some kind of parasitic thing in their lifes.
| >>f2e1cd so you get along pretty well socially, but struggle to keep a relationship with most people for any significant amount of time; I see. How do you mean you're manipulative/deceiving/tricky though? As in that you would emotionally manipulate people into doing things you wanted?
| >>6b9c44 I get along pretty well with people. But I don't really like it in the first place. For the longest time I was that lonely library rat and I was happy with it. But I ended up having a gf and learning about the pleasure there are in having a social life. Despite still not liking it and judging it as hollow or delusional I ended up like addicted to it. I did a lot of mistakes cause of that in the past. A junkie needing my load of friendship kernel.
| So I was pretty popular and shit in highschool and college. and when I say manipulative and shit. It's more about analyzing people and discerning them very easily. I understand how their minds work and the way they think quite easily. So I always felt like no matter how enticed or charmed peers where it was always just me cheating all along...
| >>f2e1cd ah you were a library rat too? I stopped reading once I finished high school for the most part, turning to videogames, but I loved nothing more than to wile hours away in a library reading or looking for books & manga to take home. Well, we as human are inherently, to varying degrees, social creatures. We require some degree of interactivity with other people, or we'll go insane.
| Ahh I see, so you're excellent at reading people. That's a useful skill to have in all honesty, it will likely let you pick up on someone talking with you who may have ill-intent. If you were so popular and likeable socially, can you really blame people for being charmed? Some people just have an aura about them that attracts others to them, after all. (cont)
| You're likely just charismatic, while also being analytical. From what you're telling me, it doesn't sound like you've been using or manipulating people though beyond what you've said about needing that social "fix." and that is strictly a human factor. We all need some degree of a social fix, whether it's with strangers or with the one or two people we hold dear to us, IRL or online, we all need it.
| >>6b9c44 well... Then I must admit that I have some stalking (mostly cyber) habit and shit like that. And I don't blame people for falling for me. I blame myself. The social picture I built at those times wasn't me. It was just a mean to get what I wanted. I get that everyone is deceptive and use mask to get with social life but it's the extend of it that count here. When do trying to appear something else to please people and get a social life ends, when abusing peeps need starts?
| Did the cyberstalking ever get out of control, or were you able to nip that in the bud at least? I understand about the social image thing, everyone has some form of social image when they're involved in a group/school/etc. The personas we craft to fit into social circles we find ourselves in, the mask we put on daily so we don't alienate ourselves. So you're saying your mask drew people towards you, and that you used that to your advantage once you had them closer to you.
| Nah,i always managed to control myself about stalking. And yeah it's pretty much that. I mean, relation are about giving and receiving mainly. we don't socialize out of nowhere but there is no actual friendship contract. It's mutual and the terms are pretty much known in advance by both party since they are the same (terms) in most case. Being acceptance and shit. So I gave them what they wanted/needed and took what I wanted in exchange for it.
| Oh good, I'm glad you were able to control yourself. Stalking can get pretty out of hand from what I hear.
If you were giving them what they wanted, and you got what you wanted (both in this instance being social interaction/friendship), that's not parasitic sis, that's mutualism. Like you said, relationships are all about giving and receiving, and if both parties are doing both, there's nothing parasitic about that. I CAN understand it feeling hollow and empty though.
| Mind the "taking" i used not receiving...
| >>276883 oh i see, i misunderstood. So then you were just mostly taking and not so much giving then.
| It was good talking with you. I hope to pop in before work tomorrow and chat some more, my ID may change though. I hope you lovelies have a nice day (or night).
| Depression's been around for a long while, I'll explain more in a bit.
| >>276959 Alright, so it's about when I was 15 when I felt extremely lonely and disconnected from the world (I got bullied for many of my schooling years, never really succeeded in what I wanted to do and burnt myself out from studying too hard); then I got obsessed with this girl. It started to pick up from there, but it went really bad when I saw someone jump off the building and land pretty close to me (~6m). Got terribly depressed, crept people out and turned people away, was
| failing terribly at lots of things. Eventually I graduated and got into another school. Got together with my ex girlfriend, but she treated me awfully and I had to breakup with her on very bad terms. Now things aren't so bad, I'm serving some time in the army and some friends I've made keep me at least motivated to be nice to people, but every now and then I feel stinging numbing pain in my hands and chest.
| I still feel very negative about things and melancholy is my default state (or tiredness), but there's people I live for, like my mother. I would've killed myself if she wasn't there. But then again sometimes I wish there's someone who'll be willing to take my suffering too, if I ever have the conscience to give that to someone. No one wants to suffer more than they already have.
| I wish I wasn't too weak-willed and scared of the pain involved in my only available methods of An Hero-ing... No girl would ever want a gross mtf neet mistake but I can't work up the willpower to just slit my wrists already...
| >>d4cb3c my goodness, that's terrible. I can't imagine going through something so traumatic as witnessing suicide first-hand. I'm glad you've found a way to cope though, through joining the army and with your mother.
| >>277323 Remember the world is your oyster. So if your going to go out. At least have a little fun first. Don't just go and kill yourself in a small dingy room and never have any fun. Get out enjoy the world around you before you kill yourself and try to find that will to live or learn to at least realize that there is a while world outside of the small reality that you live in. I hope for the best for you all.<3
| Reading all this stories makes me feel that i am terrible even at depression. Although i hate the word it is probably most appropriate one. It's not even sadness, despair or misery. Wish i felt those. Life just seem completely unsatisfying altogether. With true everyday emotions being only annoyance and tiredness growing from need of sustaining my mask of social image i struggle to find any things that would make me feel satisfyed. (cont. in 1 or 2 hrs. Pardon my terrible English)
| Thanks guys (the dude who saw someone off himself here); I'm actually in the army now part of compulsory service, and it kind of sucks tbh. But the comrades I've made here can't be replaced ever.
| >>277677
Ah fuck it let me put it shortly. I'm completely deprived of any strong emotions so i started to drink alcohol and leaving scars on my body to remind me of them. Feels fucking bad, but not bad enough. Dammit i tired to pity myself.
| >>277502 of course not, hrt and operations cost money and I'm a sad neet stuck in republican nowhere hell country
| >>277740 ah I see. Do you think if you could undergo operation that you'd be happier? I've heard of a lot of people who wound up regretting it.
| >>277724 I think I get what you mean anon, you just feel empty and void of anything really stimulating, like you're numb, is that right?
| >>278188
Well, not quite so. You see, almost all emotions lacks something in them. All that cries, laughter, angery or sadness in the end seems like fuss. Hell, im not even confident if its really what i feel. I'm like empty well with long dead musician down there. Strange, i know. I lack some inner music echoing in me. Is it what someone would call soul? Sometimes something from outside world resounds in me, but its ceasing too fast. I almost feel guilty because of this.
| I get really depressed when my gender dysphoria gets really bad. I'm gender fluid, born male, and it's not that I aren't called a she or they when I am, it's that I just feel trapped in my body, and any drastic changes would either get my ass kicked by my conservative parents,or make other periods of dysphoria even worse. I'm usually on the feminine/androgynous side of it, but I can make any big changes. I feel like I'm going insane. It feels like some days I'm missing an arm, some
| >>280007 days like I'm missing a leg. I don't know what to do, I can't come out to anyone in my real life yet.
| depressed by watching myself in the mirror.
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| Wallowing in your eternal depression, self-loathing, and a general sense of endless despair? Come have a seat, get cozy, and lets be miserable together.