Thread 276673 on danger/u/ Loading...

| I was at the 99 cents store buying Mother's Day cards. I needed to send one to my mom back in Washington, I currently live in California with my dad and stepfamily. I was shopping for a card and I bought one but I didn't have enough money to actually buy her a gift to go with it, so instead I decided to write something meaningful to her. The words I wrote were just haunting me as I wrote them, this is what they said:
"Dear mom, I'm sorry for being such a shitty son."

| "You don't deserve it. No matter the pain I put you through, no matter the bad choices I made, you have always believed in me and supported me. Throughout the years I have not earned the unquestioning belief you have given to me, but yet you give it anyway. Thank you so much for always supporting me, and this Mother's Day, my gift to you is a promise: I promise you I will not be a failure. I promise that I won't let you down, and that I'll be the son that deserves your praise."

| "I am sorry for wasting the time you have on this Earth by not being there with you when I only ever want to be there with you. I promise that one day, as soon as I can, I will return a successful man and give you every last bit of love and cherish the years you have left by providing you with the life that you deserve but didn't get. I promise I won't let you down."
I wrote that and I sent the card.
Three days later, I get a phonecall from my sister up in Washington.

| My mother is dead. I don't know how, I don't know why, but she's dead.
She never got the card I wrote her. I never fulfilled my promise. Instead of her life being filled with joy and love, it was only painful and short, and she never got to see me be the man she always believed I could be.
I flew up to Washington and I saw her funeral. Her dead body, cold and pale, as she was prepared to go out to a Viking Funeral, how she always wanted to go.

|

| Her body wrapped in sheets and set on a wooden boat, that is sent out into the ocean before being burned. As I watched it happen, my sister gave me my card back, as well as one my mother wrote to me. She wrote me this:
"Son, I love you more than words could ever express. I am happy to have had the pleasure of bringing you into this world, and I'm sorry for the way the world is. I know you will make the most of your life, and even in death I will always believe in you. Love, mom."

| I just...I just woke up crying. I haven't cried in years, but I'm crying now.

It hurts me so badly because I don't feel about myself the way she feels about me. I always feel like a failure, like a shitty person who is weak willed and will never amount to anything, but when she gives me praise...it isn't an opinion, its fact. When she says I'm going to be successful, it isn't up for debate. It is just spoken into existence.

| I can't help but feel like I'm wasting both of our times. Being away from her hurts me, and I know it hurts her, but she would nevee admit to it. Every time I get the chance to see her she is always just so happy to see me and do literally everything she can for me...I always feel like a burden to her, but she always insists that its okay and that she is just disappointed in herself for not being able to provide more to me than she already does.

| If she were to die right now...I would be broken. I couldn't handle it, not in a good way. She believes in me more than any other person in the world. I just...I don't know if I could do it without her supporting me.

I know one day she will die. I know one day I'll have to face up to that, but before that happens, I need her to see me successful. I need to be the same person as the one she believes I will be. I just...I need to give her the life she deserves. One of joy,not pain.

| She has been through so much...She deserves so much more...so much better. She deserves to be happy, and I know she isn't right now...And I know that isn't fully my fault, but part of it really is. Part of it really is because all she wants is to just spend time with me, and instead, I move two states away and make myself inaccessible to her at all. She doesn't make enough money to be able to come see me, none of them do. I just...I am so sorry to her. I am so sorry.

| I won't let her die in pain. She needs to live a good life. I will provide her that before she passes. We will be together again, and I will make her happy. I just need to not be a complete failure.

| If I can amount to even 5% of the person she believes I will be...that would be enough for me.

| I need to wake up in 3 hours for work...why is it the people farthest away are the ones who care most about me? Where did everything go wrong...

| ...I'm sorry, mom. So, so sorry.

But I promise I won't let you down.

| ;_;

| Funnily enough, my parents are upset at me when I insult myself. If I ever say Im worthless or not worth it, they get angry at me like I dont deserve to say that.

Both of my parents are very flawed. And theyve hurt me more times than I like to remember. But even if Im just a minimum wage worker who wants to quit university, I think theyre still proud of me.

| Maybe your mom sees you the same way. Someone, who even if they think theyre not going anywhere, is human, and a good human at that.

You cant be perfect. And you cant get that future you want without extreme sacrifice that will very well test your will for that future.

Do it for the love of your mother and the caring person she is. If you do it from the idolization that she is much higher than you, things will be much more difficult for both of you.

| I believe in you anon! Your words and feelings are strong, and so may your resolve to become a success for the most important woman in your life be strong too! I wish you the bestest of luck, and the goodest of times! Believe in yourself! Believe in your mother who believes in you! >>276673 >>5fb877