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[News?] LOCAL PEDO'S POSTERIOR PENETRATED BY PROBE

| The GLITCH CITY [c,pink]GLOW[/c]

>Midway Uptown, GLITCH CITY

THE FACTS

>Local joker found ALIVE,
>But STAKED on a VARIETY of everyday kitchen utensils,
>HANGING from outside luxury apartments by his knickers.
>Large, crudely written sign: I AM A CHILD FUCKER AND A CREEP and a SHITTY DECKER.

What we KNOW

>Victim's house raided by GCPD, equipment, paraphernalia confiscated.

>Suspects INCLUDE a "black clad figure" (BLACK PANTIES!?) and a "tall blonde boy with a white trench coat and a very, very thick accent" says local.

THE PLAY BY PLAY

Locals were AWAKENED this past weekend to the SOUNDS of "something like a jet engine... [obliterating] a house of matches." Locals were SLOW to call police but instead exited their homes, some in their knickers, to see what the ruckus was about.

Local sarariman, K.HARADA, says that the victim, who goes by the handle ROCK SOLID, had been thrown clear through one of the armored glass windows of the abode before rolling onto the front yard. HARADA, the sarariman, said that "a blonde of indeterminate but most likely my type" sex then exited the building with a weapon drawn, a LARGE CALIBER SEMI AUTOMATIC REPEATING MULTIBORE NINETY CALIBER STOCK-DE-EQUIPPED REVOLVER, and proceeded to VICIOUSLY beat the victim with it as one would a mace or other blunt instrument.

However, this was not the end of the victim's turmoil, as a BLACK CLAD VAGUELY VIGILANTIC FIGURE appeared next to the white one, and proceeded to SHOOT LIGHTNING from their HANDS and roasted the victim as he laid prostrate on the ground.

M.SAKURAI, a SIMILAR sarariman from a DIFFERENT company, said that they viewed the action from the comfort of their outdoor patio. SAKURAI, a SARARIMAN that is NOT from the same COMPANY as HARADA, confirmed that the victim WAS beaten, repeatedly, and apparently with an ottoman, SAKURAI has claimed.

SAKURAI said that the white and black figures then DRAGGED the man back into the ruined apartment, where ADDITIONAL torture was thought to occur. It was at this point that police were called by someone, SAKURAI said.

"And that's uh, about when the white one started tying him up like a flag and hanging him up on the side of the apartment." Said a person who refused to be identified even by gender of lack thereof, who was NOT SAKURAI nor HARADA,

"Er, the white clothed one, not white as in race- I mean, the guy being beaten up was white too- er, not that I have anything against white or black people- er, i'm really screwing this up aren't I- p-please, please don't print this- turn that thing off-"

The VICTIM is currently in POLICE CUSTODY as a possible WITNESS to a string of recent CRIMES against ALLEGED CHILD FUCKERS.

This report compiled by M.Whisker with some begrudging help from "Dae."

Please, for the love of god, someone either kill me or get me out of this sorry excuse for a news blog.


| What... the fuck did I just read. -CN


| >>607717

the best fucking news article ever

-DarkSmokePuncher


| 90 caliber revolver, how the fuck did they carry that.
-Impulse


| Honestly, pedophilia in Glitch City is the stupidest thing in itself
Literally have lilims that look like kids. If you have those urges you can take care of them through Dorothy.
Dumbass.


| >>607806

It's noooottt the saaaaaaaaameeeee

-S


| >>607807
Then get castrated.


| >>607808

jokes on you, i've already replaced mine.

-S


| >>607809
That was... honestly unexpected, and it really shouldn't have been.

Total number of posts: 9, last modified on: Sun Jan 1 00:00:00 1574300513

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