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WHAT HAPPENS ONE HOUR AFTER DRINKING A CAN OF NINETY LOKO
| >1) First 10 minutes: DNA Modification
The Ninety Loko sludge envelops your throat with a mixture of caffeine, guarana, karmotrine, vitamin B12, vitamin E12 (new), bleach, Clear Eyes, and goat loli's blood (rumored).
Your DNA changes to that of a sub-human creature that can only be described as 'chill as f*ck.' You feel good. (Note: Lilims and Cat Boomers experience this same change, only Lilims become Gundam suits and Cat Boomers become full furries.)
| >2) 20 minutes: Hallucinations
You can now taste colors and they taste like shittier, watered down Ninety Lokos. Purple's "pretty decent tho". You swear you can see into the future, and you might be right. Only time will tell.
Your demeanor becomes aggressive. Fights are imminent, but not to be feared. You will win.
| >3) 30 minutes: The karmotrine kicks in
Everything in the Deep Black finally makes sense. All of it.
>4) 40 minutes: Cardiac arrest
You're dead, but in a >>>good >>>way. Those who attempt to perform CPR immediately experience steps 1 & 2.
| >5) 60 Minutes: Help arrives
The GCPD pronounce you legally deceased, but what's this? A heart beat. You've grown a second heart. This is common and should not raise concern. Your new heartbeat is bigger, stronger, and genetically modified to beat to both Sir Mix-A-Lot's 1992 hit 'Baby Got Back' and the hit *Kira* Miki single, 'Your Love Is A Drug'.
Purple no longer tastes as good, which saddens you.
| >6) The rest of your life...will never be the same.
You will awaken in a sequel in rural Saint Alicia. Beneath you will be a strange map with a location circled. You will never decode the map nor its meaning, and it will weigh on you heavily.
Do not ask your friends what happened last night. You can't. They died during step 2. You fought them and won. I told you.
| You will start life anew in the not-so-small town in which you've awoken, because while you do not know for certain you've done wrong, you can sense it deep within your now brittle, poison-ridden bones (or whatever Lilims have for that). You can never go back.
Life will continue on and you will find a job, start a family, and grow old, despite an ongoing battle with the majority of all medically-known illnesses.
| One day, your youngest son will go through some old boxes in the basement (you have a basement? You lucky f*ck). He'll stumble upon what can only be described as a 'dusty, aluminum clown dildo'. Its Ninety Loko.
You thought you destroyed them all.
Wrong. You forgot Raspberry Surprise.
The surprise?
>You've got 20 minutes left to live.
| ...what the fuck? -Ermes
| I'll take your entire stock.
-Jhensen
| Fuck man...
Well I know whats gonna happen to me in ten minutes, whoops
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| >Did you know the camoflage serves to mask the poison warning?
Findings from various medical journals have shown that the slightest consumption of a Ninety Loko brand beverage - even one sip - is not only more toxic than an entire can of Megacoke or Diet Megacoke, but also black tar despacitoin four. "Whatever's in that can burnt through our petri dish." - Dana Zane, Harvard neuroscientist (uncertified).